Exceptional Marriage

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to another episode of the Y ‘all Are Crazy Ranch podcast. We’ve got a fun one today because we’re gonna be talking about exceptional marriage. When I told you I wanted to title it this, what’d you say?

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I said, do you think we have an exceptional marriage?

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And I said, don’t you?

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Oh, well, of course.

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And then I said, maybe we should title it 10 Things I Hate About You.

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And I was like, no, that’d probably be a bad idea.

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But y ‘all remember that movie. That was our era when we were like high school. And I’m like, hmm, maybe we should talk about the things that drive us crazy about each other. So we’ll mention some of those on the Oklahoma Grassfed Beef podcast.

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But we’re not going to talk about that too much.

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No. The main things we want to get across today is I think that we’ve been married almost 17 years. I think our marriage has gotten better over time. And I think it’s better now than it’s ever been.

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Yes. And that’s the goal. So we’ll share today some things that we do and some practical tips for you that maybe you can use in your marriage, whether you’re getting ready to get married or been married a while or whatever the case may be.

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So we’ll just share some things that help us.

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Yeah, I always tell our kids and people who are dating You know about to get married I always say the most important the decision you’ll ever make in your life is giving your life to the Lord your Second best decision you’ll ever make is who you marry Yeah, and listen some of these tips ain’t gonna work if you married somebody that you shouldn’t have married.

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Okay, I mean If you made a bad choice You can make it better. You made a bad choice Lord.

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So, you know We got married when we were 22. We started dating when we were 21 and a half, I guess So we both dated other people before we met each other we dated wrong people But I think that helped us that when we met each other we knew it was right so

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You know, don’t be afraid if you date the wrong person to end that and keep looking for the right person Well, that’s the key because no matter You know how hard you want to try later on to fix your marriage or make it better You can always improve it some but if you pick wrong, I mean that’s a that’s a hard Road ahead for the rest of your life and for us we believe that you know when you say your marriage vows, it’s till death do you part and If you picked the wrong person, it’s a long time You know that is true.

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It’s a long time So pray about who you’re dating and who you marry because it is it is a covenant and it’s a covenant for life. So

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For us, we kind of laugh because we’re like, gosh, when we got married, we knew we loved each other, but we really, you know, when you get, you’re young and you get married, you’re just like, yay, I love them, and you know you’re gonna promise forever, but you don’t realize how sacred and important marriage is sometimes until you’ve been married a while.

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Well, I think too, you have kids, and then I think too, if, I think being a Christian is everything in a marriage, and the more you grow spiritually, the more I feel like our marriage gets better, and so it’s like, those two go hand in hand. I’m not so sure it would work that way if you weren’t a Christ follower and you weren’t.

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trying to grow in your faith and reading the Word every day and that kind of stuff but you know God’s the one that designed marriage and if you’re following His Word and trying to grow spiritually you and then have a good marriage it the bond goes better and better and better.

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Well here’s what’s funny I feel like most people who get married it’s like opposites attract opposites usually marry each other and that is certainly the case with us. We are very different people.

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Yeah very different people. You got a gold ribbon and a pearl hanging off the side of your…

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See you makes fun of my attire because I like to stand out. I’ve always been that way I have my own style. I like to stand out I’m really not good at just blending in he’s laughing cuz I have a hat pin on okay There’s always something that might be a string of pearls around that’s right He laughs at me, but I like to stand out and he is more just he likes to be ordinary in the way You don’t whenever you won’t ever wear anything that’s just like look at me no That’s just one way we’re very different, you know if we walk into a room of people what is your first reaction?

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What’s your first thing you do?

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Well, the first thing I do is I’m scubbing the room and Looking for bad guys And I wouldn’t never I would never think that but I’m so thankful you do that. That’s what I do I look for trouble and then I’m like I look for exits and You know what I mean?

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And I’m just like hey guys Glad to be here and I’m like that dude.

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Don’t look right, you know that guy’s all right His mind’s constantly working like other guys they can relate that I could take him Worrying about who you can take out.

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What do you think after that?

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Nothing, I don’t know. I’m not one to go socialize now if I really know Oklahoma Grassfed Beef somebody I will I like to tell people You’re you like one -on -one conversations. What I mean, I’ll go shake their hand and

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Probably just try to latch on to that conversation.

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And I like groups of people. And I mingle and I socialize. And okay, say we’re at a big group with a lot of, a thing with a lot of people. At the end of it, you feel drained.

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Oh yeah, it wipes me out.

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I feel energized. That’s the difference between an introvert and an extrovert. And it’s funny because Briley, being more like you, oh it drains her. Being around groups of people, she’s like deflated by the end. She’s like, I gotta go take a nap.

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That’s how I feel.

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You know, Bowen is like me and he’s just like, let’s go.

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He never stops. You would have laughed last night. I was thinking about this and it wasn’t intentional or anything, but I was just replaying it and, you know, I had to take Benaiah to his baseball game. We took Baker and all the kids to his because Benaiah’s was an away game.

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But you know, I put my lawn chair up, you know right behind home plate had my backpack You know got my book out and just sat there and read my book and watched the game didn’t talk to the soul Then that’s what you do have been talking to every person in this guy’s promise I can’t go anywhere without talking to people It’s just like the kids just know this that they’re at this point They’re like mom’s got to talk to everyone, but I just know a lot of people and I love that I like being able to go somewhere and hey Hi and talk to everybody and you would be just as happy sitting there reading your book by yourself Yeah, so but I’ve been talking to people all day and I was just ready to be done with that You know, and so it doesn’t bother me to just sit there by myself and read a book and not talk to people I don’t you know Not that I don’t like people. It’s just

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Sometimes I need a break.

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So that’s just one way that we’re very different. I know there’s a lot of ways that you drive me crazy, and I’m sure I, and I know I drive you crazy in a lot of ways. No. Oh, I know. But I think we’ve both gotten better over the years of not trying to change each other, but just trying to accept that we are who God made us and appreciate that about the other person rather than get annoyed.

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Yeah, and that’s actually a pretty important marriage advice, okay, is don’t try to change the other person. I mean, y ‘all have to kind of come together and accommodate each other in living a life, but you’re gonna have ways that you do things or the type of person you are, and that is who you are. And the other spouse, don’t try to change them.

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I have a good example. You are a morning person, and I am a night owl.

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Total opposites in that respect always have been But instead of you being like hey, babe get up at 5 and work out with me and I’m like at me No, that sounds terrible. I don’t want to do anything where I have to get up at 5 a .m other than feed babies and You if I’m like, babe stay up with me and watch a movie past 9 p .m Yeah, that ain’t happening and we’ve just got we’ve just learned instead of being like he never does that with me Now I’m just like, you know what? That’s okay. He’s never gonna like that. I know it.

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I’m not going to get mad at him for not doing it And I just understand and appreciate that now Yeah, and I’m not gonna ask you to get up at 5 a .m and go to the gym or nothing like that

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There’s no point we’re different in that so you have to let that Let that go let it go and here’s the other thing too is like don’t make snide remarks to the other Spouse because we probably used to do that. Yeah, I’d be like, yeah you lazy You don’t wake up, you know about like you’re like, well, you just want to go to bed they’re early old man and you know and it’s like Don’t have the snide remarks for whatever the other person does that it’s not you right?

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That’s that is The key yeah, yeah, yeah because yeah, I think especially early in your marriage you do You’re just like can be snappy and and not that we do always get along now We don’t always get along and sometimes you still drive me crazy because you move really slow

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That just depends, you know. You move really slow. Yeah. And sometimes I’m just like do, do, do, do, do, because you just move slow and I move very fast. So yeah, sometimes it does still drive me crazy but I try to be patient.

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Yeah, well see I’m always thinking. Truth. You know, and I’m always looking for details and thinking and details and you know, we’re just different in that regard.

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And we’ve learned how to work together. Sometimes I call you my speed bump.

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Yeah, you know. It’s just like this Oklahoma Grassfed Beef podcast studio. I gotta set up all these wires and hide them and fix all that stuff over there and all those knobs. There’s like a million knobs over there and I’ve never done audio equipment. But you know, so I just spend hours like figuring all that out and.

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Because I know you I need to get it ready to where you can just walk in and I just want to walk in and talk I’ll turn this stuff on and I just want to have the content and talk and see and I don’t sit there and think About what we should talk about on the show now Sometimes I do but I usually leave that part up to you You usually decide what we’re gonna talk about and I just make sure the whole thing works you know then upload them after the show and title, you know do all those things and The detailed stuff like that we’ve learned to work together Use each other’s strengths and not focus on each other’s weaknesses Yeah, because if you use each other’s strengths, it’s just sometimes is the thing that drives you crazy about the other person It can work out really well. And so

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You know when we need like a I don’t know a property listed or a party put together, right Stuff like that that just lets you run you do right because that is not me But if we need something, I don’t know put together or built or like Stuff done in the background or just to make something work Right logistics logistics of actually doing the thing That’s why I come in.

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That’s right.

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I call you my wizard Yeah Hey, baby, your taxes are paid. She’s like, oh fantastic. Thank you.

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Thank you. I don’t have to think about that I didn’t even know you know how much she owes, you know Well, I used to cry every year when we had to pay taxes and now I’m just like, you know What it is what it is.

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Yeah, and I let you pay it and you know, you got a new car And now your Pike Pass just arrived in the mail, right?

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I love it Stick that Pike Pass on yeah, I don’t even know how to log into Pike Pass.

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Yeah, you just work together as

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as a teen.

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That’s right. Yeah, something that used to drive me crazy is that, you know, and sometimes I was kind of like rude, I guess, but you don’t like helping with cleaning, laundry, or anything around the house. And I used to be like, you do like 1 % of our housework. And I could still be like that, but now I’m just like, you know what? We’ve been married 17 years. It’s not gonna change. So I might as well just quit like worrying or commenting on it and just accept for what it is. And then I refocus that to think about all the good things you do. Instead of focusing on the things that I’m like, I wish he would do this. And he doesn’t do that like, because the devil tries to plant things in our mind to divide us. I just switch that around and I think, yeah, but he does these things. And this really helps me and this really helps our family. Because nobody’s perfect and nobody’s going to do everything you want them to do. And if I married someone just…

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me that would not be good either.

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Yeah and that’s a good point because I think the devil will try to get in your mind and make you pick out those things that the other person just doesn’t do that you want them to do and just make you focus on that and it’s like man that’s such a small piece of the pie and we’ve both done that over the years and you don’t see the 95 % of the other good stuff because you’re focused on those one or two things and that’s a dangerous trap to fall into but I mean from somebody’s been married 17 years it’s an easy one to fall into.

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Yeah it’s so much better to focus on your strengths, focus on the positives rather than focus on negative things that you may not like because that gets you nowhere. Now I’m not saying that we can’t improve because there have definitely been times that we’ve been had conversations and I think we’ve tried to get better at things because we’ve had to say I’m sorry like how can I do this better and and you can do that and you should.

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Right Yeah, that’s for sure So, you know, I think and what we you know, both of us being firstborns and marrying each other is rare There’s not a lot of that that happens You usually kind of marry the opposite because in that regard even though we’re totally different people Our firstborn qualities are very similar and We can you butt heads because we both want to win and we both want to lead and we both want to take Control and we both tend to think we’re right. And so a lot of times we have to say same team Yeah, there doesn’t have to be a winner here. What are we trying to accomplish by? This is trying to prove that we’re right. So You you do have to sometimes swallow your pride Say I’m sorry Say I’m gonna do this better and laugh about it and move on you do and that’s it You know a lot of times guys just gotta keep your mouth shut

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I mean, there you go. If you just don’t say anything, you don’t have to say sorry and get it back. Just don’t say nothing, you know?

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And that’s a real power move. Air on the side of making your wife happy. Yeah, because you’re like – Happy wife, happy life.

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There’s a lot to that. You can make a little snide comment here and then it’s like, okay, well, that’s just gonna put gas on the fire. So why would you say that, you know? But even though you want to say that, because you think you’re right or whatever, it’s like, just don’t say it.

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Just don’t, yeah.

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I’ve learned that. That’s the answer sometimes. I’ve learned that over the years.

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Really?

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Don’t say nothing.

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Oh, well, there you go.

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I didn’t know that. See, you didn’t even know. I didn’t even know.

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Power play.

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Yeah, that’s a good advice. Yes.

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Yeah, yeah, I would err on the side of making your wife happy because happy wife happy life.

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There’s a lot to that well, I think Next one of the important things that in marriage is to have really good communication And I don’t I don’t mean like communication of his hey, you know Let’s hey go pick that kid up at six and pick that one up. It’s cuz that happens to That’s just like coordination of you know chaos basically I’m talking about like true communication.

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I feel like me and you talk a lot Yeah, you know we have a lot of time for like actual conversation and dialogue Well, you know and as a woman I can say you don’t always listen to me when I talk That’s the third way. You drive me crazy But I know I’m not alone because I talked to a lot of women and they say the same thing Oh, is your dad I was thinking if I was actually talking to my dad the other day and

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He’s like, man, I’d like to come watch the boys play baseball, but I’d like to watch them at the same time. I said, well, dad, you’re coming up on Saturday. They have a baseball tournament and you’ll get to watch three of them play that day. He said, really? I said, didn’t mom tell you you’re coming Saturday? He said, I remember her saying something about that, but I wasn’t really listening. I said, oh, well, that sounds very familiar. He said, I don’t mean to not listen. It just happens.

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It just happens. It’s not an intentional thing. I don’t know. I don’t know how or why. It just happens. It just does.

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It just happens. So, as a woman, instead of getting frustrated about this because I have gotten frustrated about this so much over the years and I won’t say it gets better because it doesn’t.

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But what I’ve learned is that most of the time when I’m talking, you’re probably not listening to a lot of it. But if I really want you to listen to something important, I’ll say, hey babe, I need you to listen to this because this is important. And if I look you in the eye, usually, you will listen.

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Yeah, but if you don’t.

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You’re thinking about other things.

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Oh yeah, yeah, because my brain’s trying to, it’s thinking about something else, trying to solve some of the problem or whatever, and then you talk to me about something that I feel is unimportant, right? And it might be.

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Women just like to talk more.

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And so I just.

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If we are face to face, you will listen much more to me.

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Yes.

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Yeah.

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So that is a game changer.

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But if you’re in your marriage and you don’t, you know, thinking about the last time you guys actually had conversation, like dialogue, and if you go all week long without it or weeks on end, other than just little small talk here and there or coordinating with your kids, you’ve got to have some time to talk together.

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That’s right.

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Yeah. We talk a lot together in the evenings, you know. We can’t do it in the mornings, right? Because I’m up at five, you know, she’s up at 6 .45 to get the kids out the door at seven, stuff like that. And I’m usually working out then, well, we talk some in the morning, right there in that window of time. But a lot of our conversations are in the evenings.

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So and then throughout the day one of us will usually check in with the other one How’s your day going fill each other in on any important details ask each other questions, but we’re definitely not a Call each other every hour time to cup a couple. No now We don’t have to know everything that’s going on or we don’t have to ask each other questions all the time We just kind of do like midday check -in and then we talk mainly in the evening.

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Yeah Yeah, and we’re I mean I would say if you’ve got kids and lots of kids is like in the evening Time when maybe they’ve you know taken their baths or whatever and then it’s time for y ‘all to go take your showers and stuff Like that we use that time to like put a show on for the kids you know we go into our master wing or whatever and You know, that’s a dedicated 30 minutes 45 minutes, whatever it is, but it’s it’s me and her you know We talk we’ll talk about our day. We’ll talk about

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Whatever’s going on and the kids just know that they just they Expect it they expect it.

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Yeah, they expect it. They’re watching their show. The big ones are watching the little ones and So on the flip side you could have it to where one parent goes in there takes a shower the other ones out here and then you flip -flop and then you you know now all of a sudden one goes to bed and Then you just never have good conversation ever Yeah, we look forward to our time alone at night because it’s really our time of the day that we do know we get to Connect and talk and just have some little bit of quiet time. Yeah, because I mean throughout the day It’s organized chaos, you know, and you can’t have detailed deep conversations because you’re either We’re either working putting out fires or we got you know kids fussing or a kid. Yeah mama You know, I mean a lot of time not having it. You can’t talk like that because it’s just

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She’s just crazy, you know.

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Another thing I think that’s important is just to learn how to forgive each other and realize that the other person’s gonna make mistakes. I got a speeding ticket this week.

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Yep.

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Old you would have been like mad at me getting on to me.

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What did I say when you told me you had it?

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I don’t think you said anything.

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See, so I’m talking about you guys just learned it.

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I was like, babe, I gotta tell you something and you’re not gonna like it, but I gotta tell you, I got a speeding ticket today. And I think you, what I don’t even think you said anything.

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That’s right.

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I think you were just like.

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Okay, and I explained it to you. I’m like, look, I didn’t see the sign and I was going 45 and it was a darn speed trap school zone and it was 25 through like this 20 foot area and I just, I missed it. I didn’t mean to, it was just a mistake. I’ve had a ticket in like 10 years, but it just happened. But you didn’t get on to me.

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No.

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You didn’t tell me like, that’s not what you would have done.

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Right.

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You should have set your cruise. You should have been looking. You could have said all that stuff.

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I was thinking all that stuff.

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But I appreciate it that you didn’t say anything. That’s right. So.

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It wouldn’t have done any good.

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It would have ruined my day because I actually had a really good day. I went and spoke at this event and it was wonderful and I had such a great time and it was on my way there. So it’s like, I could have let that ruin my day, but I was just like, you know what devil, you’re not gonna stop me. That’s a distraction and I’m gonna move forward. And it was a great day.

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But I also could have like hid it from you and not told you which would have been even worse Yeah, or I could have you know, you could have handled it worse and then like made me feel bad Yeah, but I think I told you and you didn’t get mad and we were just like, okay it is what it is That’s right because it’s you know You can’t go back in time.

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You’re not gonna eliminate that ticket So getting mad about it or making a sarcastic comment or whatever throwing fuel on the fire That’s a you know, and don’t do that.

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Yep. Yeah something else That is a good example. And then you know something that we kind of tease each other about is I like

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I like accessories. I like, I really like purses and bags. And I’ve always been that way. And you really like gun stuff.

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Yep, I love guns.

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And so still sometimes like you order something and I’m like, what is that? And you’re like a gun holster. And I’m like, oh, cause I’m sure you needed another one cause you have about, I don’t know, 50. And you have to have them for different occasions. Well, and then I’m like, okay, babe, I get that. But I have to have different bags for different occasions. So we just say, okay, you know what? That’s your thing. That’s my thing. That’s true. That’s just what we’re gonna do. And we also don’t watch every dollar each other spends. That is a big deal. And sometimes, I mean, you need to agree on your big purchases. If you’re gonna spend over a certain amount, you need to talk about it.

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and you need to agree on it because that’s certainly a big deal. But we’re also not like getting notified every time somebody buys something. And I know people do that and maybe you need to do that. But we give each other grace on that. We trust each other to make logical decisions. And we also trust each other that if you wanna buy that, you buy it.

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Yeah, well, we set financial goals every year and how much we wanna save and what do we wanna do like with some of the financial goals. And so, as long as we’re doing that and yeah, like you said, it can become unhealthy if like, I know couples that get notified of every time somebody swipes a card. And it’s like, I understand the thought behind that. But then it’s like, I see him getting mad because they went out to eat for lunch, right? And it’s like.

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I mean, I don’t know, you gotta watch it because then you come across to your spouse and you’re like, hey, why’d you spend that on that? Hey, why’d you do that? And it’s like, now you’re like attacking that person.

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That just doesn’t work for us.

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That doesn’t. Now it doesn’t mean you might not need to have a conversation later and be like, hey, what do we wanna spend as a couple on going out to eat every month? That’d be a better way to go about it. But getting a notification that an attack at your spouse or peppering them with why you’re spending that money, I just feel like that, what I see as a witness is it leads to bigger fights and disagreement. Now that spouse is gonna wanna go get a different credit card you don’t know about and go rack that one up. I see that a whole time, too.

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That’s not the goal.

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That’s a terrible idea.

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You have to give each other some grace. I think really the whole point of this is realize you are different people and God created you differently. God created you as a man with your own strengths and me as a woman with my own strengths.

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So much of today in our culture, I think, is trying to say men and women are the same. We’re equal. And women can do everything men can do. And I do think God created us equal, yes. God loves us the same as a man and a woman. However, I do think he gave us unique qualities, and he meant for us to use our strengths together to make a whole, because you have a man and a woman, and I do think a man should be the strong, they should be more masculine. They should have more Oklahoma Grassfed Beef strength.

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They should lead.

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They should be leaders, like God made men to lead.

[00:27:23.800]
Provide.

[00:27:24.400]
Right, but I think a woman has wonderful qualities that should be cherished, and they should be, we can do some things better than men can, because God made us that way.

[00:27:36.600]
Yeah.

[00:27:37.200]
Absolutely, we’ll use your Oklahoma Grassfed Beef strengths and work together and don’t try to overpower each other like I would never I mean Not that I could be like, hey, I’m gonna do more push -ups than you because I couldn’t but That could Demasculinate you even if I could you know what?

[00:27:55.000]
I mean, is that even a word?

[00:27:57.300]
Masculinate I don’t know but you guys know Masculine. Yes, like I wouldn’t do that to you even if I could because that would make you feel Like I was trying to knock down your manhood. Yeah, so Yeah, so okay, here’s a tip for women since you gave a tip for men Find ways to build your husband up and I think

[00:28:21.500]
For most women I feel loved through acts of service right people have different love languages Mine’s acts of service. I think a lot of women’s are so whenever you do things to help me It makes me feel loved because I feel like you see the need and you take things off my plate Men, I think for the most part other than physical touch. I think most men like words of affirmation And I think if I’m pouring positive words into you you’re gonna feel more loved Yeah, it’s a hundred percent true. So but if I’m saying things that Challenge you or that make you even if it’s little things, you know that are gonna knock you feel make you feel attacked

[00:29:07.100]
Yeah, you’re going to feel like I’m trying to knock you down and then you’re gonna be defensive against me, right? And it’s like what’s the point of that the point? We want to work together and we want to both be happy and so let’s Build each other up and women has wake your husband feel needed appreciated and honestly even if I do acts of service that doesn’t necessarily make you feel loved Not really, but if I but if I tell you you know, even if I text you in the middle of the day Yeah, and I’m like, hey, thank you so much for what you do for our family. I love you.

[00:29:45.500]
I’m so proud of you Yeah, that goes like miles for me. Yeah, I love that kind of stuff

[00:29:50.700]
And if you came home and brought me flowers and did the dishes for me, that makes me feel loved. Right.

[00:30:00.700]
Yeah, so you gotta learn that stuff about each other. And, you know, to summarize in marriage, it’s like you guys, I mean, we’re here to serve each other. You know what I mean? And that’s not easy. I’m not saying that’s easy, but you can make a choice in the moment of start a fight or realize that you’re here to serve one another. And you’re married to this person for the rest of your life. You know, we’re 39 years old. Hopefully we live a long time. Do I wanna start a fight or do I wanna?

[00:30:30.900]
Stay happy and have a good evening and get you know what I’m saying a good next day I mean any I well, I don’t want to start a fight I rather have a good evening and a good next day and I gotta live with you forever Why would I want to pick fights all the time? And and another thing is your kids watch you they do and they’re gonna emulate your marriage and they’re either gonna say I want what my parents have or they’re gonna say I don’t want what my parents had and we’ve seen both of those things with our friends and such and I can look at my parents and say man I want it I even if they’re not verbally processing it like I was thinking it That I want to have like a marriage like my parents have and love each other And I think my parents marriage has grown better and stronger over the years and that’s the goal Yeah And we want our kids to see that and we want them to see how much their parents love each other and how they You know, maybe not always agree, but they make up

[00:31:25.500]
and they make things right and they move forward.

[00:31:27.400]
Yeah, yeah. It’s not like we agree all the time or never have some arguments here or there, but we definitely don’t sit there and yell at each other all the time or nothing like that. But, you know, it’s just having good communication and being able to talk things out and then be on the same page. And I mean, I can’t tell you how important that stuff is, so.

[00:31:47.300]
Same team.

[00:31:48.700]
Always remember, you’re on the same team. Yes, you’re not opposing teams, same team.

[00:31:54.700]
Hope this was helpful. Hope you guys learned some things. Hopefully you can implement them in your marriages. And if you have any tips, share them with us too, because we don’t know it all. But this is learning, this is growth. And you know what? In 20 more years, maybe we’ll do another Oklahoma Grassfed Beef podcast and talk about what we’ve learned since then. That’s true. Thanks for being with us. See you next time.

[00:32:16.800]
Till next time.